Memories Monday - It's time to say goodbye

For the last eleven years, I have been writing poems in memory of my son.  But this year it is a little different.  I tried to write something and nothing was going right.  Instead I painted a rock and I placed it below the memorial tree, an dwarf Alberta spruce that we planted when we move to Vernon. This tree has been relocated to the backyard and I could see it directly from my sewing room.  There's no explanation that I can provide why I never could write a poem.  It doesn't mean I am not hurting anymore, it doesn't mean we have forgotten and definitely not because we don't miss him anymore. I am a little sad because I decided to quit blogging as of today.  

Sadness Saturday - Eleven years ago

Satisfying Sunday - A very special quilt

After 10 years of holding on to a few clothes of my son, I finally found the perfect way hang on to something of his at the same time it is practical and perfect for keeping me warm on the cold winter nights.  It all began when we were moving from San Jose to Vernon.  I didn't know if I was going keep all these items but an amazing friend of mine suggested that I take it with me and that when I am bored I should try making a quilt out of all these t-shirts and a pair of jeans.  Last week when my aunt was visit, I mentioned to her about my idea and she immediately agreed to help.  She asked me to take out what I have and she started prepping them for me.  We worked together and within a day

I was able to put all the pieces together.  The next day we went to Fabricland to buy the material for the reverse side of the quilt. Last Friday after all my chores were done, I started to pin them together, sew the border and now it's all finished.  I am so satisfied with the work I have done in a very short time.  And to think I had it for 10 years and only took three days to complete.  What an awesome way to have these as something to remember him by. I can't wait to use it when I am relaxing or taking my nap or just doing nothing.

Sanable Sunday - If only

I have never even heard or seen that word.  What is the definition of sanable?  According to the dictionary, capable of being healed.  The question is can I actually be healed from the heaviness in my heart each time this day comes.  For those of you who have followed my blog since 2011, I am sure you know what today is about.  My son Gino would have celebrated his 37th birthday. Unfortunately he couldn't make it since he passed away at the age of 26.  Sometimes I can't help but wonder if there is any truth or good explanation about numbers.  I was 28 years of age when my son was born and my birthday falls on the 28th.  The date my son passed away was my father's birthday and my father passed away on his father's birthday.  There are so many other numbers that is difficult to explain or understand that coincides with his death.  To this date I still find it hard to go through today without doing all the what if's or the if only... Several of the books I read about death of a child tells me that things will get easier with time.  There's some truth to it, but the pain is still there and although life continues, in the back of my mind, I still ask WHY.  Just last week my daughter sent me a photo of a recipe box that I use to have.  Apparently my son used some of the recipe and even perfected how to make Yorkshire pudding.  It makes me really sad that I didn't even know about this.  But today I am going to remember all the good memories I have of my son because that's all I can do.  If only...

When I found my son's MP3 player I listened to some of the songs he had and
this one is the perfect song for today.  We miss you so much and today we
remember your special day.

   

Forgiving Friday - Ten years ago

It seems like only yesterday but it was really ten years ago when I got the worst phone call of my life.  Everyone says that time will heal the pain that was caused by the tragedy.  Some of my friends were amazed how I was able to carry on with life after I lost my only favorite son.  The most difficult part to accept was that I was not able to say goodbye.  But then again, I did not know his plans of leaving all of us so soon.  He was only 26 and without a sign, a clue or a message, no one expected that this would happen to such a wonderful person, a happy kid, an amazing brother and a terrific friend to all.  It has taken me all this time to finally forgive him for leaving without saying goodbye.  As well as, I have stopped looking for the reasons or answers to the question WHY.  Ten years ago we had lost so many loved ones beginning in January 2008 up to the end of that year.  A very dear friend, my father in law, Jeff's aunt (sister of his mom),  another long time family friend, my son's grandfather, one of our first cousin, and wife of a good friend.  There were a few more but I think I'll stop here.

Of all these loved ones, most of them have a first name beginning with the letter G or their last name beginning with the letter G as well.  I cannot explain what this means but it's definitely a strange year.  So today, I am celebrating not just my son's life but all of the family and friends that have left us.  We hope that they are all at peace and we will continue to keep them always in our mind and forever in our hearts.  I miss my son each and everyday but I know that someday we will be together.  Until then, I will try my very best to understand whatever his reasons were. 

 

Soulful Saturday - To Gino on your 36th birthday

For this the 36th birthday of my son, G, I decided to plant another tree.  A few years ago, I planted a Dwarf Alberta Spruce as a suggestion by my BFF Percy.  Unfortunately we were unable to take it with us when we move to our new home, so this morning we got up early and head on to Home Depot and bought exactly the same one.  There was a big pot that was left in our backyard and I painted it red a few days ago.  Today, this is how I am celebrating his birthday by planting a tree, a memory tree.  I will watch it grow slowly in the pot and hopefully it will survive the winters and with Jeff being in charge of watering, I know it will thrive.  Since it won't be a birthday celebration without a cake, I was a little edgy and had to be busy.  I made some regular cupcakes, mini cupcakes and a small birthday cake for G.  So no sad poem today. Instead we will just remember all the good times with him.

While searching for a song for today, I found a CD that my son had, it was dated May 2008 and I was surprised that this song was included in music mix.  I remember when my sister was babysitting my son, she use to play some of the old songs for him. 

Tearful Thursday- It's been a long time

After nine years of writing poems special for you 

I am still wondering why there was no sign, not even a clue.

Everyone tells me to move forward and try not to get blue

Because you are in a safe place and at peace, I hope it's true.

The box that you left us, I kept closed for all these years,

Only to find nothing, it just brought back the pain and more tears.

All the memories of you will always remain so dear

I'll be ready to meet you someday without any fear.

Gino

June 29, 2008

Sunset

Shredding Sunday - It was time and I was ready

What do you do with papers that does not mean anything anymore and yet you're afraid to shred them?  What would you do if you had a box of papers that only reminds you of sad moments in the past? After nine years, I finally got the courage to open my son's personal box and with the help of my MIL we were able to go through it and saved only what is important for me to keep.  Every year around the anniversary date of his date, I would open the box and I would try to get a file to review.  Honestly, I couldn't to it because I end up just breaking down.  Jeff is very supportive and always reminds me that you don't have to do it,

just keep it and when you are ready, you can do it.  Because of the recent changes in our lives, we had to really do a lot of paring down, cleaning, organizing and many hours of shredding.  In fact some of the papers that needed to be shredded will be done by MIL since she wanted to help and she knows she can do it leisurely - to keep her mind busy.  Now that the box has been organized, I do feel much better and I know those are material things and special memories and moments are more important to keep.  Everyone has their own timelines when it comes to dealing with a loved one's death and the items they have left behind.  It doesn't matter how many years my son has been gone, he will always stay close to my heart and all the memories will be stored in my mind, until I cannot remember them anymore.

Sincerely Sunday - What is Christmas without you

This Christmas we are extremely overjoyed because my daughter and my favorite SIL are spending the holidays with us.  Since the time of our last Skype when they told us this news, I have been counting sleeps and trying to prepare the B&B for their arrival.  Doing all the things that needed to get done before their arrival was the perfect solution to getting the days go by so quickly.  But even with all the excitement in our B&B, I cannot say that it's complete because we are missing one special family that is so dear to us.  Today I would like to share the Christmas card I wrote for my son.  

My son would have loved to see my special Minion nativity.

May this incredible time of giving and spending time with family bring you happiness to last throughout the year.  From our house to yours , Happy Holidays and thank you for stopping by.  I look forward to many more exciting posts next year.

 

Favorite Friday - My favorite son

Today my son would have been celebrating his 35th birthday.  It is very hard not to wonder and think of the WHAT IF's.  Since he is not here to celebrate today and I believe technically you stop counting after he died, I am at a lost on what to post.  Can I still do the what if's?  Should I just stop and not remember him today?  Is there a better way to celebrate this day?  Can a mother ever accept why her son was taken too soon?  So let me try to just write what comes to my mind at this moment.

• Would he be married by now and would she be really good to him?
• Would he have any children, one or two? If I recall it right, he was good with kids.
• Would he have purchased the latest Iphone7, have an Apple Watch 2, and a matching iPad?
• Would he have switched to a new car?  Maybe Mitsubishi Lancer or maybe a Sporty car?
• Would he have given up his vinyl store and return to working for an investment firm?
• Would he have joined the rest of the POKE MON family? 
• Would he have stayed in the Ontario area or maybe moved to another province?
• Would he have gone on fun vacations with his buddies from Oakville?

If any of his best friends are reading this post, I am sure they can add more of these type of questions.  The sad part now is that we will never know the answer.  Does it hurt more not knowing or does it make me feel better just to be able to write what goes through my mind every year on Gino's birthday.   For the first time I was not able to write a poem because I was too busy entertaining our guests.  I feel bad but I know my son would understand because he was a great son who is respectful, thoughtful, fun, dependable, soft hearted, loving, polite, and many more. Happy Birthday Gino wherever you are.  We remember you and you'll always be my favorite son.

 

Weeping Wednesday - Specially for Gino

Eight years ago today, you left without saying goodbye

Not sure what you were thinking, all I can do was sigh.

It was too much of a shock, I thought I would die

Now life has a different meaning, somehow I have to try.

The pain was excruciating but now some days I just feel numb

Was it something I said or did I do something really dumb.

It's difficult to understand why and at times I feel stumped

When I don't have the answer to why you decided to jump.

Thinking of you on Sundays, I always feel that stab in my heart

Wondering where you are on Mondays, I don't even know where to start.

When I hear your favorite songs on the radio, I sometimes fall apart

Maybe you are really in a better place, ready for a different kick start.

Whatever is that place somewhere all of us will never know

We can just hope that you are happy and things here will just flow

In time our tears and our pain will somehow eventually go

But our love for you will remain forever because you are our GINO.

A little boy cabbage patch doll name "Gino" that my daughter saw at a store in NYC.

I saw this toy at Target and it made me teary as this was Gino's favorite toy.

Fretful Friday- but I'm trying

Each year I have written a Christmas poem that becomes my card for my son Gino.  I would place it outside the niche at Glen Oaks.  After I moved to Cali, I would send the card electronically and my daughter and her Dad would place it for me.  As the years go by, I have just kept the card but post it on my blog to share.  It's my hope that maybe some other mother would find comfort reading them.  This year I have been fretting on writing another poem.  I would sit in front of my lap top trying to start but I would just stare at a blank card as there are no words coming nor ideas.  Yesterday I couldn't forgive myself if I did not do anything for my son this Christmas.  I'm trying very hard to be in that mood for Christmas because I don't it's fair for Jeff.  So I started gather some materials and sure enough I completed my card.  It's simple but it's from the heart and I know he can see it.  If he was alive what gift would I give him, probably a plane ticket to spend Christmas with us  here.  And I wonder what he would have given to me.  Because I know he is such a caring and thoughtful son, he would have given something golf related or something related to music.  

And I know Gino would like this song for Christmas so I am hoping you would like it too.

 

Woeful Wednesday - When do I stop counting?

Today my son would have been 34.  I am not sure when I have to stop counting his age since he passed away when he was only 26.  It's very hard not to think of what he would be like now, what he would like as a birthday gift or where he would like to celebrate today.  If he was still with us, I am sure he would like to get one of the latest tech gadgets.  He would probably celebrate it with his buddies (Andrew, Anjay, Brian, James, Kamil, Mike M, Michael, Ryan, and Scott) and maybe even the girls (Rose, Catherine, Erin, Natalie, Stephanie and Kapana). It has been at least five or six years since I have since his friends.  I hope I did not forget anyone.  I wonder if they would be still hanging out with him.  Some of his friends are now married and one already has a child.  Some are still single or maybe in a relationship.  I also wonder when I hear some new band with their latest hit, if it would be something he would listen to.  This time, there'll be no poem.  I decided to just have this post and share a couple of my favorite photos of Gino.  Happy birthday son.  We miss you here.

How can you not miss this boy?

His friends made this collage of photos of Gino and gave it to me.  He was a fun loving kinda guy.

I know Gino liked Coldplay, so after listening and reading the lyrics, I felt that this is the one.

Monday Memories - Seven Years Ago

Thoughtful Thursday - Merry Christmas, Gino

Teary Tuesday - Happy Birthday G

This is how it should have been today, the three of us celebrating your 33rd birthday.

We miss you so much and it still hurts that you can't be with us today.  Love always, MOM

Sentimental Sunday - My Sundays with G

Not sure how to begin this post for today.  I was going to write a short story or a tribute or share some photos.  Last night close to midnight, I am still at a loss for words on what to say without being sad.  Every Sunday I cannot help but pause and say something to remember my son.  Today, I'll just be sharing the poem I wrote and a song that I picked from my son's collection of CD that was labelled Music Mix May 2008.

Wondering Wednesday - What it would be like

Today while I was ironing a basketful of clothes, I was listening to a CD (that's right) that my daughter made for me some 10 years ago.  One of the songs was Luther Vandross - Dance with my father.  It's weird that all of a sudden I started wondering a lot of things.  The first one was what it would be like to dance with my son on his wedding day.  The closest I got was a slow dance at a school event.

I think we were dancing to a Boyz to Men song.  Maybe my daughter will correct me if she remembers this.

The next one was wondering if he would like the cheerios cereal (honey bee) commercial with Nelly.  I'm sure you know what it is.  Then I remembered some photos with something similar.

Different times of life but similar outfit for Trick or Treat.

The final one is about sports - golf - I wondered if he would take up golf and if would get a chance to do a round of golf if he visited me here.  This too would never happen.

This was taken at a golf course somewhere in Quebec - I was learning golf and my son was 11 years old.

It's really sad to wonder because I know the answer but I'm happy that I have so many great memories of him.  Almost six years has passed and there's not a day that I don't miss him.

Sorry Sunday - Still wondering

Lately there's a couple of song that is played on the radio or the soft rock station on TV that makes me wonder.  I can't help but think of my son.  Is it a song that he would like?  Since these two songs are fairly new, it will be hard to tell since he's been gone almost six years ago.  Anyway, I am at a loss for words so if you have time, listen and let me know what you think? 

Memory Monday - Gino on his 32nd birthday

I made this stepping stone for you today.

I placed it in front of the tree to commemorate your life.

Happy birthday Gino, you will always be in my heart.